Archive: Fallen Icons, Light Up
Pairing: Kamui + Subaru
Warnings: Spoilers for X/1999; introspection and slight grossness with injuries. Also, this fic is unbeta'd at the moment.
Disclaimer: I don't own X/1999 or any of its characters. They are the property of CLAMP. I'm only playing in their sandbox. No profit is intended.
Summary: 'There's a second before the building falls out from under them when all Kamui can do is reach for Subaru's hand.'
Author's Notes: Another "First Kiss" fic, this one for zeffy_amethyst who requested Subaru and Kamui's first kiss. I tried to do something a bit different than what I've done with these two in the past and I'm not sure if it works or not. Uh, this is also unbeta'd and will have to be beta'd later on so...don't kill me for typos? I typed this in a rush so there are likely several. I'll fix them as quickly as I can.
Essence of Angels
A X/1999 ficlet
There's a second before the building falls out from under them when all Kamui can do is reach for Subaru's hand.
It's full of fuda, burning brightly with power, power that cuts into his skin, blood fanning around greenish-gold light, Subaru's eye widening as that burning glow sputters then cuts out. The afterimage lingers and he can see himself imprinted there in scoured green, lost in the black of an enlarged pupil. Kamui's fingers are burning, the skin melted in that brief instant, blood cauterized into an oozing wound and its with some effort that he manages to pull his fingers apart, now resembling nothing so much as meat hanging off a bone. Subaru seems paralyzed by that, his good eye drawn to it; the one behind the bandage even seems turned towards it, the jerk of a vein in his throat adding to a symphony of distress and destruction, the groaning collapse of the building a swelling chord.
They need to jump, to move away from this place that will be no more but Kamui's legs are … Well, they're fucked up, old injuries and new combining to lame him, biting back a scream as the break – another one that Fuuma's given him, how many is that now – twists. He can't jump to save himself and Subaru looks too stunned now to save them both, lean features splattered with drops of blood. Kamui's blood. One splatter is trailing from the corner of Subaru's eye, his good one, the only one he has left, and it's like he's crying Kamui. Kamui doesn't know why he finds that amusing only that his mouth is twisting into something that should be a smile but is too bent for that.
They're both bent, maybe broken and it lends a sense of connection that not even being Seals can. Subaru is like him and not like him and Kamui is nothing either of them have ever seen. He doesn't understand himself so how can he expect Subaru to understand him? To know that the understanding between them only goes so far before he finds the child Subaru was once, the one half-dead and steeped in the stink of Sakura. At moments like this, he can see that boy's echo, caught in the gnarled embrace of a towering tree, broken fingers twitching as if wanting to reach. Or maybe just to show that there was something in there, some scrap still left of him.
Subaru thinks he is dead. He could not be more wrong. That boy will never live again, he will never smile or reach with unerring compassion but something of him is still there, tainting everything Subaru has ever done, guiding him as he rushes headlong into situation after situation.
He's a man and a child, both hurt, both broken and in him, Kamui wonders if he sees his own fate and he rebels against that, against the loss and the defeat with everything in him. Closing damaged fingers around Subaru's, he leans forward and catches Subaru's mouth, his cold lips trembling as Kamui lets gravity guide his body into Subaru's. They're falling several hundred stories now and if he lets his mind wander, he thinks of the wings he's seen in his dreams, huge bat-like wings. If he were what everyone wanted him to be, what the other Seals believed he was, Kamui could make those wings just appear. He could save Subaru and turn that power on the Harbingers, could save Fuuma, and maybe for an encore turn back time.
He could be a wish and a prayer, the answer to both but what he is, what no one understands, is that he's just a boy. Just a human being and he can't seem to escape those limitations, not even with the power of God at his disposal. He can't turn things around and unmake the fabric of reality. It's kind of like God's joke at everyone's expense, Kamui thinks, because to unfetter himself like that, to let go and become something more, something less human, he would have to cease to be Kamui. Maybe even cease to care about all those things he truly wants to fight for in the first place.
If he could do that then Subaru and Fuuma and Karen and everyone else wouldn't matter. He could save the world, he could change it into something better, into something of his own design but what would be left of him? Who would remember Kotori? Who would mourn her and Tokiko and Saya and Tohru and Kyogo?
To err is human but so is to mourn, to grieve, to strive, to love, and hope.
Subaru is broken but then so is Kamui, a broken out husk of a wannabe savior who cares nothing at all for his task and everything for the people involved.
He can't save Subaru, can't give him the thing he so desperately wants but Kamui can give a piece of himself away, a broken bit that wants desperately to feel, to be wanted, and needed. To know that if he dies, he did one thing that was right, that did matter.
Subaru's hands find his back, pulling him closer as they arc downward, his mouth softening and there's no fight left. Just this long, cold fall, beams and concrete shuddering, glass raining in soft patters around them, cutting into visible skin as they twist and turn, the only warmth that of the tongue Kamui pushes past Subaru's lips, opening his eyes and smiling now as they kiss. It's desperation and kinship, need and resignation, and everything that's completely human, everything in them that refuses to give up. He'll never know how Subaru really feels; Kamui is not a god but he thinks he can taste that boy in this. 'I wish I could have known you.'
'I want to know you. Who you really are.'
It's that thought more than anything that causes him to lift his hand, surprised when Subaru's joins it, both of them turning just before turning their collective power downward, using the rebound to push upward, away from the destruction and into the clearing skies.